The Blackbird - A Pre-Embryonic Linear VN :)

[nubbycakes]

Well, since I've decided to hang around these forums, I'd like to solicit some feedback for a possible short VN project. I plan to do everything by myself if it pulls through - which shouldn't take more than a few days. I'm not sure if I'll include branching paths, but given my preferences, I probably won't.

Okay, enough rambling. Basically, this is a rewrite of the first short story that I've ever written and plan to "visual novelize." I'd like some feedback regarding the plot structure. The story can be read here: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2816784/1/The_Blackbird

At The Teacup thread: http://teacup.lunaen.com/index.php?topic=310.0, mikey has already provided some good commentary regarding a few things that I might want to change around. I'd like a few more opinions before I make my final decision as to the changes that I'll be implementing for the VN version. Suggestions as to the style of art and manner of presentation are also welcome.

I will be using either Novelty or Ren'Py for this depending on my needs. Right now, I'm leaning more towards Ren'Py because I'm more familiar with it. In any case, the choice of VN engine won't really matter that much since I'm not pushing for any innovative features using either engine.

Edit: Not in WIP because I'm not sure if I'll even start on this project yet or not. Feel free to move this thread if it's inappropriate.

[Angra Mainyu]

[nubbycakes]

As to revisiting old stories, I hold the opposite view. I believe that every story is worth telling and even retelling if it can reach a different audience. For this one in particular, the only people who ever read the original other than me were my parents. I don't really think of it as looking back, but as more of a derivative work since I did have to write everything down from scratch and with only very vague memories of the original. In general, I write primarily in order to tell stories and not to improve my literary skills -- self improvement is just an added bonus, if any. Also, I always have personal attachments to every story I write and I don't really bother to detach myself from these attachments. I've had several professional writers/critics in writing workshops IRL in my country tell me that I shouldn't adopt this attitude, but this is how I roll and I dun feel like changing it anytime soon.

Back to the topic: Thank you. I'll keep your feedback in mind when I make some changes to the script for the VN. I didn't even realize that the U.S. Army and Air Force were different entities.

The chess thing: Actually, I just wanted to mention something about Michael since he seemed a bit left out. Perhaps it would work better if I just took out the second sentence? ("Yeah, that's it, chess. Ehehehe!")

Hmm... I'll keep the "sneaky as an elephant line" though. It's not likely that some kid would know about that -- although kids can be quite surprising nowadays. Still, it's not something I was aware of prior to you pointing that out, either and it does still feel like a legitimate, believable line, even if it is technically wrong.

[haydendawson]

Further on the pedantic side as it comes to the Blackbird airplane, you would want to be careful about setting it in 'today', although this does seem to be a past event. The SR-71 has been out of any 'official' service for 10-15 years.

[nubbycakes]

Thank you, but if you've read the story, you'll find that it is indeed a flashback to the narrator's childhood days, so I doubt that will be a problem.

[Jake]

[nubbycakes]

@Jake: Thanks!
I was thinking of going for an all CG presentation using light, pastel hues, but using darker colors also sounds good. I could even emulate the style of Katy Towell's Childrin R Skary presentations to some extent. I was also thinking of going for mostly monochrome with a black and white screen tearing film effect and pseudo-animated images.

The NVl approach you suggested sounds good. I could even use a storybook background image to complement the division of the text and visuals.

I think I've gathered enough information to start turning this into a KN now. To everyone, thanks for the feedback again and feel free to add more while I'm bringing this VN project to completion.